Last night I was aware of missing CK on a night when I usually don't see her. That somehow her being down the coast, her not being in the city made me miss her more. She was supposed to land at 2:30 this afternoon, but instead there is 6 inches of snow outside and she is in Sacramento at her Mom's.
I had been in a good mood, deciding to go down to Jantzen Beach to do a little holiday gift shopping with my stash of gift cards and practice some snow driving. Found a few things at one shop and was sitting on the floor in Barnes & Nobel looking at books when CK phoned me from the Oakland airport to say that Southwest had just cancelled all their flights into Portland for the day.
I wrapped up my decisions and drove carefully back to the house. As I went over the slough I noticed that I could barely see past the sides of the bridge, the snow was coming down steadily and there was very little visibility. The cancelled flights made a lot of sense then.
So AM, DW and I spent most of the day sitting around the house. I cleaned through my beading supplies (I need another case to sort beads into, have numerous random tubes and bags again) and started some knitting. Around 5PM it was out into the snow to go to CK's to check in on Atari who was cold and lonely. AM & I popped into Whole Foods briefly and picked up a couple of things. I then drove us to get gas then back to the house.
The snow has fallen steadily all day long. As I'm writing this it has started to turn into ice pellets. I miss CK. I'm chatting with her, have talked to her on the phone today, but I miss her being a handful of miles away at most. I miss being with her on a Saturday night, snuggled up in bed together.
Yeah, good practice. I realize I feel a buzzing irritation with the storm, with this whole trip to Sacramento and the stress she has felt around it all. Annoyance at not being with her on one of "our" nights. I'm trying not to judge the feelings, just note them, be compassionate to myself and the ways in which CK helps me find a way to be at peace with myself.
It is the practice of realizing that we do without the people we love. And it makes me realize that I love her. Over the past year I've felt that change, deepen beyond the sharp keen edge of new desire and passion. This is just a profound awareness of the ways in which I feel she completes my life.
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