Saturday, December 13, 2008

The Cat Has Exited the Bag

Having told the close core of friends, sangha, and co-workers this week, AM sent out the message he had I have been working on the past several days. Have only heard back from a few friends -- a couple of emails and a nice voice message from SJ.

It has been tough this week, talking to people. Made me very aware of how difficult I find it to be open with people now. I was reflecting upon how open I could be about myself, my sexuality, when I weighed 290 pounds. Having that extra person surrounding me really made it easy. Now I feel exposed, vulnerable, back to being the scared kid I've been hiding all my life.

I told my teacher training class today that I was mentally, emotionally, and physically. I realized in talking to CK afterward I knew I could even add "spiritually" to that list. I feel just depleted by the whole effort of it even though I feel relieved to have finally gotten the news out. Am trying to stay mindful of having had that bit of experience trigger the other night, those tend to send me a little lower while I process them.

After a long, draining, and physically challenging day of teacher training CK picked me up. Coming into the flat I saw the lights she'd hung up and the small, living tree she had decorated. It was such a sweet moment and helped equalize some of my energy.

The question that comes to my mind for HB is how do I let these emotions come up, be present with them, and move through them. It is reasonable to mourn and feel the pain I experienced as a child but wasn't safe to express at the time the experience itself happened, but at times it feels overwhelming to me. Perhaps he'd just remind me to stop trying to rush through things, there is no timeline for this.

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