Jinxes, Colds, and Authenticity

Just Monday I was telling my gynecologist that I'd only been sick once all year. I am now sitting with my laptop, in my PJs, sniffling, sneezing and feeling generally puny. So much so that I am not at the Dharma Center tonight, a change in my routine that feels unwelcome.

I am reminding myself that last weekend CK was ill. Then my friend SJ came up from San Francisco with a cold. Then DW came down with a cold. Yesterday I was sneezing like mad but I said to myself that it was allergies. Even my massage therapist noted how bad every one's allergies have been when I saw her yesterday.

I felt congested and had a slight headache when I woke up but after a hot shower and neti I was feeling better. While riding MAX into downtown a surge of the headache spiked above my right eye. CK spent the rest of the ride trying to block the sun from shining into my face. A latte from Backspace helped with the headache as did the rest of the walk to my office.

Around 11:30 the headache began to creep back into my awareness. I decided it was a need for lunch, but after having some curried lentil soup I felt generally lousy. By 1:30 I was checking with CK as to how she felt and letting her know my status. By 2pm I had that prickly, warm flush of a low fever and was talking to CK on the phone. She sent a message out to our Zen community asking for a volunteer to cover Ino duties for chanting service tonight.

I went ahead and went to my appointment with my therapist. She too insisted I acknowledge that my getting through my annual exam with my gynecologist without either a does of Xanax or bursting into tears is a significant success for me. We talked about all the changes going on, mostly just bringing to light the various tasks and anxieties. Paperwork, division of stuff & debts, what to do about my last name (if anything), settling into being with CK full-time, having kids, feeling like my pain is going to limit my ability to parent... And I touched upon a little bit of hurt I had been feeling.

I have been watching AM making plans, making many good decisions about what to do and how. I am so happy to see him doing this, moving along his path again instead of just coasting. I realized there was a part of me that felt irritated with him and when I sat with it I felt the hurt of his finally making these efforts when we're divorcing.

We talked about it, how it isn't entirely unreasonable to feel some of these things around his making efforts I've wanted to see him make for years. I'd really rather expend the real energy on being supportive, it is the most helpful, loving thing to do. It isn't as if I want to say to AM that I want us to try to keep the marriage together now that he's making these changes.

Ultimately nothing changes my being a lesbian. I know that I wouldn't be happy staying married to a man and having casual intimate relationships with women. I have never felt able to be fully open when intimate with someone "casually".

Finally being able to experience an open, loving relationship with a woman brings me face-first to the truth of just how many things about my sexuality have been patches to work around the fact that I wasn't being authentic. The more I express my essential self, the more my heart opens and I allow myself to be vulnerable, sharing myself completely with another person. That I get to choose a path that lets me be with another woman who is willing to share herself in love with me is an unexpected, un-hoped-for blessing.