Tuesday, September 23, 2008


I slept pretty well, hard, and woke up ahead of the alarm. Although I felt stiff, I could quickly tell that my hips felt a lot better from BM working on them. We needed to get going pretty quickly so AM would be able to take TE to an appointment. I was doing alright until I was in the shower and the first muscle spasm hit in my lower back. I tried to breath and stretch through them, but they were not letting up at all.

After seeing me standing there with a hand on my back AM commented that I should work from home again today. I didn't really argue, I knew I had many meetings throughout the day and it felt hard to stand much less sit. I went back upstairs and put on some warm fleece then came back down to make some tea & toasted English muffin. I didn't feel as bad as Monday, wasn't feeling nauseated, but still felt fatigued on top of the pain. A good look in the mirror revealed that I still had rather dark circles under my eyes.

As I had my breakfast I rang into the first of 4 conference calls. The day wore on, I tried to get up and move a bit more frequently so I wouldn't stiffen up too much. I had some of the lovely leftover soup for lunch. I've been oddly hungry today, on top of meals I have snacked on apples and corn tortillas (in the toaster oven, with jam). I've tried to make the meals rather small, so maybe it isn't so unusual I was still hungry.

I'm trying to CB's voice in my head, "Now don't get obsessive!" when it comes to eating and my weight. It was such long, hard work that I begrudge any pound put back on. I went from having to make sure I stopped eating before I stuffed myself to having to judge if I've eaten enough to not end up feeling ill. I have to keep reminding myself of the small sizes of the clothes I have and that they still fit fine.

I was thinking about talking to BM yesterday, how I told her that my therapist tells me I'm making rapid progress but I felt like I was still just spinning. The seemingly constant grinding of all the things coming up, new thoughts, old fears, and shame inappropriately put upon me.

Something came back to me from reading Thoughts Without a Thinker by Mark Epstein a couple of years ago. How our true nature, brilliant as a diamond, is obscured by things like traumatic events. Our psyche scraped and scratched until the surface is dulled.

Perhaps this work now, although it feels like it is chafing my heart and soul, is not further scratching but it the polishing necessary to restore the clarity and brilliance that we all begin with. Just the way stones are put into a tumbler to slowly polish away the rough surface so the beauty beneath shines.

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