Thursday, September 11, 2008

Hard Work

The day started at 5:30 AM with Atari climbing over CK & I, repeated, meowing constantly and biting both of us. We had got to sleep late anyway having stayed up talking and being close in bed together. I woke up again at 7:30AM and made myself get out of bed to take a shower.

I felt bleary and unfocused, so tired and aching. CK offered to drive me in but I said I felt OK enough to walk to the MAX. I wasn't really sure of that, but was alright walking. My shoulder ached from my laptop by the time I made it to the office.

A day of rushing. Hurrying into the shower and into the office. Helping a co-worker get her laptop set up correctly to work on the VPN over a wireless network. Rushing out close to Tigard to attend a Business Objects user group meeting. Coming back through traffic to downtown to catch the train and walk to CK's flat. Quickly eating a little food, updating the merit list, printing the list and another update to the service chanting. Then off to the Dharma center.

Sitting was the first feeling of quiet I had all day. Chanting was easier, my being mindful of the percussive nature of chanting helped me in my flow. Afterward RC provided a couple of comments to me, noting something that all Ino's seem to do, a rising glissando on the names in the short lineage I chant. He thought BG and I chanted somewhat similarly the "heart" in Great Heart of Perfect Wisdom Sutra.

Afterward, surprising me because it came after telling CK that I feel very proud of her. I do feel that pride, she has worked so hard, continues to work so hard to understand herself and was faced with absolutely brutality for trying to express herself. I am quite often just amazed by her.

I do feel the desire to keep doing this hard work. Like the way I've kept doing yoga even though it makes me really hurt at times, same with zazen which at times makes me emotionally hurt too, and the same as keeping going to therapy to work on the old, ugly trauma. Those things have affirmed me and keep me going through the hurt. It feels the same way with my relationship with her.

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