Tuesday, September 9, 2008

In the still moments before sleep

At times the still moments before sleep are a difficult ones, when I slip into barely remembered trauma, flashbacks surface and I don't sleep much the rest of the night. Sometimes it is the most productive analysis and programming I do for work. Other times some kind of ah-ha type of moment settles into the stillness.

That was what happened last night. I was settling into the stillness, feeling my breath and two things came to me. First was missing Bustopher terribly. Thinking about him outside on the front steps last autumn, how happy he was sleeping on the concrete in the sun. Just landed on me and I gasped slightly, tears springing to my eyes. And I breathed through it, accepting it.

Then I felt small and disappointed about canceling a trip. Inwardly I sighed with myself, impatient to have this come having felt like I'd put it to rest. But it was there so I tried to follow the part of it that left me feeling small, put aside. Lots of little things, small things over the years until college, adding up under my psyche. Events I would plan for, hope for, and find myself grounded, stuck in my room reading because I hadn't put my shoes away correctly in the closet, or someone changed their mind about taking me. Nothing huge, just many small voices together in disappointed choir.

What was common was the feeling of not having any say. Not being able to ask why or understand, just another thing, some party or outing just removed. Moving all the time fits in too, my opinion or wishes never part of the decision process. All that irritation awakened by what I'd hoped for not only being denied but having it cause some painful moments as well.

Realizing all of this, breathing it in and through it, was good. It at least brought some sense to why I felt so lousy about being a grown up, or what I think one should be. Part of me really didn't want to be saying those mature things, I wanted to say I was mad. I don't know, part of me also was likely running into the old mind thinking that if I argue I'm just going to get punished. Ugh, so much ugly stuff. Even when it is little things it is suddenly having the long view and seeing a long, long list of little things.

I nearly hopped out of bed to write about then but I was tired and the melatonin was starting to settle my mind down further. When I awoke, before the alarm, at 6:18 this morning this all came back to me with complete clarity, further indication of my being on the right track. I've had it there, in the background all day, and it hasn't hurt at all, I don't feel nearly the agitation around it either. I thought about telling CK when I saw her today, but I just let it sit longer, wanting to be able to word it well for myself first, which has helped me.

I was going to ride in and was up early enough to do so, however, my left hip was shooting pains into the leg and over to the tailbone; AM drove me in. I discovered this morning that somehow, once again the work I'd done on Friday was undone. I wasn't entirely sure I didn't cause the problem. Then I was onto a call with someone to explain database concepts. Then on to meeting with someone to complete requirements on a request I'll be programming on.

Suddenly it was 11:30 and CK was downstairs. We went over to Blossoming Lotus, but DID have different dishes this time. I finally tried the raw pasta, zucchini ribbons tossed with raw marinara, pine nuts, spinach and cherry tomatoes, topped with a raw cashew basil creme. It was delicious and very satisfying. CK had the Salud salad which was something of green salad with brown rice, black beans and half an avocado and a cilantro creme on top. I helped her eat the avocado and though the cilantro creme was very tasty, the rest of it didn't quite seem a salad or a grain-bowl type of dish.

Back to the office and got MySQL up and running again. I have compiled and recompiled to add it to my PHP configuration but it just doesn't seem like it really sees it, when I call php_info() I get details from when I first compiled it and added to the server last month, it doesn't seem to reflect that I've done anything. Very frustrating.... and that's mostly what I did until it was time to leave!

Rode over to teach yoga, it was nice out and riding helped loosen up my hips. The shooting pains had got better at work but I was pretty stiff. It looked to be just two people in class when the door opened and CK popped her head in. She had been going to go to class at Prananda but was running late and stopped when she was riding by the community center and realized that she was right on time for my class! It was a great class, again lots of questions on how to really do the poses!

We rode to the house and I made up some impromptu, but very tasty sweet and sour. CK hung out for a while talking and then headed home. It was lovely to just get to kiss her, talk with her more, and feel that connection. Over dinner we talked about some differences that past relationships. She noted in the past always feeling the energy moving away from her. I had noted that in the past there would be a rough day, an argument maybe, and afterwards I felt drained. It isn't that I don't feel that, but it isn't the same. I feel like we have made progress, not just put a little bandage on a terrible wound, and I feel very connected to her. I finally got to a better way to say it -- I feel stillness afterwards and connection. In that stillness I can appreciate that I'm tired from the hard work we've done together.

This is hard work we're each doing, I keep reminding myself of that. It is difficult enough to do alone, that we have to work on some of it together is a little frightening and, yet such a help. As hopeless as I sometimes feel when we hit a bump I have always emerged on the other side feeling like we were further along the way.

And now to some still moments before sleep again. It is late for me, but since I am working from home tomorrow I can sleep a little later. Zonker is perched next to my left hip in the papasan chair, I can hear AM snoring a little from the other room, the neighbor (still drunk) has yelled a few times but at least has put down the harmonica.

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