Resting in Silence

It has been a long day, several long ones actually. After the wrenching news of DW's heroin addiction last week I've felt taut with worry. I sense the way I've changed these past few years because I was able to be present for a lovely, wonderful day with CK on Sunday. Promptly feeling ill on Monday didn't help at all. Normally I'd have fought this off, but the stress of the hum of worry in the background has depleted those resources.

Yesterday, unexpectedly, DW phoned up and asked for a ride to an appointment. She'd explain in the car. AM & I quickly pulled ourselves together, left the house, and picked up a shaken looking DW. She'd made an appointment with an addiction counselor and hadn't been able to catch the bus in time to get there.

After the appointment and picking up a prescription to help her through the detox process DW came back to the house. She talked with AM on the porch, smoking. He left to run errands and we talked for a while. I decided to make applesauce and tomato sauce. It would give us something to do with our respective nervous energy.

So we talked. She talked a lot and I just chopped apples for a while, having her peeling them. When I felt myself starting to react too strongly inside to something she was saying I'd breath and let my mind focus on just the task in my hands. Resting myself in my breath and the act of cooking from time to time.

I felt hopeful but still intensely needing my boundaries. Too much hard, painful history and I've worked to diligently to quiet my life from the constant noise in DW and AP's respective lives. The effort of staying present, but largely non-reactive was great and I was relieved when AM left with DW to take to a friends. I immediately went into our meditation room and sat zazen, sinking into the silence until CK arrived.

Today I felt scattered and ill. My chest felt congested from the cold. I got on meetings and tried to focus on work. Touched base with SJ about the news and AP phoned to talk with me again. Contrary to my better judgement I made myself got to asana practice tonight. I desperately needed a feeling of my routine, to be grounded by a class.

I felt better once I got moving in class and although I still feel ill, I feel more connected again and less scattered by the intensity of it. CK picked me up after class and I made a tofu scramble at her flat. AM phoned to share what he felt was another hopeful conversation with DW. CK and I are sitting in the quiet and it feels like home.