I had a good day today even though CK is up at Great Vow and Mom is sick. Have been thinking a lot about practice, authenticity and relationships.
It started out with turning off the alarm at 7AM then waking up at 8:20 to realize that I had successfully turned off the alarm instead of "snoozing" it and that I felt pretty well rested. I got up and thought about going to the gym. Decided to call Mom and was pretty much immediately greeted with, "Where were you last Saturday? I waited around all day for you and you never showed up!"
Uhh... I pointed out to Mom that last Saturday I was practically at Prananda form 9AM to 9PM for my last day of teacher training and graduation party. She then accused me of being short with her. Then started coughing horribly and said she'd have to phone me back.
Right, not a good start to the day. When she did phone back I was dressed and making tea, ready to drive out to Corbett to see her. She told me that she had a pulmonary infection (I could guess that by the terrible coughing) and was on day two of a very high dose of Prednisone (ahh, that explained why she started out angry and irrational at first). I said I'd come see her anyway and she said not to, that both she and my step-father were sick and I should stay away.
I was disappointed, really. She and I talked for a while. This past year I find myself listening to my Mom say how she wished things were done differently when I was a kid, how she regrets choices she made that affected me. In a way it is almost unsettling. I'm so accustomed to not being acknowledged that to have attention focused on the ways I suffered is uncomfortable.
Suddenly I found my day empty. I thought about going to the house and working on the yard. I pulled up the information for the Integrative Meditation workshop. Then a saw someone I'd at Beer & Blog ask if anyone was up for breakfast in SE PDX.
I thought, what the hell, and answered. We set something up and I headed out. The food turned out to be really mediocre, not awful but not really great considering there are several good places around. It was just fun hanging out, talking about life in general and bicycles. After breakfast she even let me take a test ride on her Xtracycle, which was a hoot!
For the rest of the day I let whim guide me and indulged myself a little. I reminded myself that even having spent money on the laptop I could afford a little indulgence. It was OK, I wasn't being too extravagant
Found some good things at the Hawthorne Goodwill, including some pants to replace a few pair that are too big, a couple of lightweight hoodies, and some shirts. Wandered over to Sweetpea and had a better cup of coffee. Then picked up a couple of items at Herbivore I'd had my eye on for some time (a dressy-looking belt and a t-shirt) and chatted with Michelle a bit more about my disappointing Vy & Elle bag, she even had a recommendation for a local PDX messenger bag designer! I then popped in and talked ink at Scapegoat (maybe could get in by June or sooner). Picked up the old iBook I'd locked in my desk downtown and then headed to the flat. The evening was filled with a dinner for a friend's birthday at Portobello, which was very tasty. Hung out with just a couple of folks afterward and it was a great evening.
The fact that I missed CK all day long doesn't distract that it was a really lovely day, it just is part of the overall state of the day. The thing that strikes me the most is how I don't feel this huge, "oh I don't know what I'd do without you" kind of dramatic emotion. I just notice how she's not there. I enjoy myself, yes, have a lovely time, but I'm aware of her absence always. She's sent me messages here and there, each filling me with love. I have been so grateful for this little connection to her this weekend.
I am so glad she will be home tomorrow, I look forward to enjoying the spring sunshine with her in the late afternoon. It will be wonderful to catch up with her, I really am looking forward to hearing about the workshop and her experience with it. I feel profound, awesome gratitude that she wants to whole-heartedly share her life with me.
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