When I lay down last night the wave of emotion that had rushed through me showed up in my body. I could feel how tight I was in my chest, how I was pulling in towards that tightness around my heart. The sensation of being ill as a young child, vulnerability combined with helplessness, really shook through me.
I hadn't noticed while I sat there writing how it was affecting me. It had it me in a big wave that felt settled once I had some tea and a banana. I felt a bit more of the anxiety at going to bed; feeling stuck in the intimacy road block/bump I have felt. Mostly I felt tired, but the shift in position really revealed how that wave of childhood emotion didn't pass on, it just settled into my chest and back.
I scooted myself up to CK, my back along her front -- little spoon. The sensation of warmth, the length of her behind me, combined with trying to mindfully breathe into the pockets of helpless fear and vulnerability helped me settle down somewhat. I felt her drift off to sleep while my mind still was wide awake. I did manage to get to sleep within the hour, but it was fitful. I awoke stiff and achy.
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2 weeks ago