Wednesday, July 9, 2008


CK is packing to go to Sacramento for a few days to her Mom's. I'm sitting here typing, talking to her here and there as she puts together the things she needs for the trip. Found a promising yoga studio nearby and sent the information.

After a tense team meeting today at the office I brainstormed a little with two co-workers on some ways to help with the recurring tension that keeps showing up. I've suggested that perhaps some kind of training that targets both appreciation of strengths and differences along with communication skills. Something everyone goes to, on the client team as well, because it can only be helpful to everyone. I was very grateful the rest of my usual meetings for the day were canceled or I wasn't a needed resource.

CK and I had a good yoga class. Joy was able to find the perfect way of describing what to do in a lunge so now CK feels the stretch moving into her psoas and quadriceps. I was glad to hear it since in two other classes, one Joy taught & one I taught, she was having trouble finding the correct pose. Now she feels the pose more accurately and I know another way of explaining what the body needs to do.

All the thoughts of Mom this week combined with a tense team meeting, and the on going tension on my team, have me feeling a little burned out tonight mentally. I don't feel as introspective tonight either, perhaps that's because my mindfulness is split watching CK pack; knowing I'll miss her. I feel a little worry already. This might be a draining trip for her and I love being able to help her feel better in those circumstances.

The last time she went home it was winter. I knew I was just smitten with her but wasn't sure how she felt about me. I still was convinced she found me way too old and boring. But she liked going hiking with me. I remember being really thrilled inside when the prospect of rain, possible snow, enormous puddles and shoe-sucking mud didn't seem to bother her at all. In fact she seemed to be enjoying herself a lot. Then she was off to Sacramento, sending me emails that seemed to hint at more than merely friendly interest.

Nearly every local, close friend of mine as well as one of my best friends in San Francisco all heard about these emails. I dissected them at length and felt my anxiety grow big. Then Busterpher was sick and I was off to the monastery for women's' New Year retreat. I had invited CK to come out and see the place, have lunch when AM came out to pick me up. Throughout the retreat thoughts, desires, wishes all would percolate up from time to time, offering welcome intrusion compared to the difficult practice of the retreat. My heart welled up with emotion when I came outside on the first day of the new year and saw CK and AM there.

Just over 6 months later and she's off to Sacramento again. We don't run into the nervous, new relationship tension and anxiety as much anymore. We've hit a few bumps, some of them at full speed, in establishing a relationship with no cultural markers, talk about D.I.Y.! There have been scary moments but we're able to at least see through them, able to recall when the small mind gets overwhelmed that the person we're with is compassionate, ethical, honest and loving.

Now it is many minutes later than when I started. CK is all packed, mostly. The spare computer here died while I was typing earlier so I'm now using her "real" computer. Knowing her as I do there is evidence of the bond in this sharing of something so vitally important to her. That she feels my having the means to do this is important and worth sharing.

We need to try to sleep to get up at least by 7AM to go to the airport. In December I sat with the anxiety of wondering if she wanted to pursue a romantic relationship. Tomorrow I'll sit with missing her, not seeing her just before I chant service and no plans over the weekend for either us or our family. AM and I will work in the garden, getting winter squash planted finally. Maybe seeding some salad greens, kale and chard. I hope there will be some squash from our garden when she's back. I already look forward to cooking dinner for her when she is back on Monday. I suppose that is slightly more positive sounding than saying that I miss her already.

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