Rehearsal

I'm practicing telling my Mom something she won't want to hear. Preparing myself to meet the way she'll project guilt at me and how to keep things on topic.

A second cousin of mine is getting married Saturday and Mom really wants me to go. What's left of my whole family on my Mom's side will be there. She has in her mind how she'll have this big family, all happy together.

Only the thought of going leaves me feeling anxious and angry. I've been sifting through so many unhappy parts of my childhood and I don't particularly feel like being around my cousins who quite often made me miserable as a child. I also feel very anxious about coming out to my family in this manner. I don't want to be reminded in the future how inappropriate it was for me to spring my girlfriend on them at the wedding.

Maybe that's somewhat of an excuse to give weight to the resistance I have towards seeing my whole family. I do feel anxious about revealing this about myself in this way. Not that I want to hide my relationship with CK at all, I really just feel like there is potential for drama around it and I don't want it detracting from the wedding. The idea of that happening just fuels the anxiety and anger that feels so present since I've been processing painful memories.

To make it worse -- Mom sent me some money for my birthday. She also included this incredibly sweet note about her memories of Hawaii. I hate the idea of calling to thank her and disappoint her all at once!

What I really want to do this weekend is go out there on Sunday after I get done teaching, have lunch, and go to thrift stores. It seems to be the time she and I enjoy our company the most. We have fun looking at stuff, laughing at crazy things we find, and appreciating what one another find. It is something we've been doing since I was a little kid (she had to when I was little, but it still something we had fun doing).

Tomorrow I'll give her a call and talk with her. I hope she is free on Sunday so we can just spend the day together. I feel like I'm making the right decision for myself by not going to this family event, I just hate facing my Mother's disappointment.