Day Before the Birthday

I woke up cold, fatigued and hurting today. I thought about just going in, getting a ride from AM rather than riding in like I'd planned. Then I realized I really didn't think sitting in the cold office (although it has been cool the building A/C has been running full blast) would be helpful at all. Zonker snuggled up next to me while I stayed in bed a little longer.

I was able to get more done than I'd thought I'd be able to via the web applications since I didn't have my work laptop at home to use the VPN. As the time for my appointment with my therapist approached I realized I was feeling stiff and anxious. As much as it would help to talk about some things I felt resistance to going and talking. My heart felt tight, pulling back through to my shoulders.

I went over the hard, hard weekend CK and I had at my session. GM agreed it sounded just awful and asked what we'd managed to figure out about it. I said that we eventually were able to realize what was happening with the other person and ourselves. That from that perspective we were at least able to understand that while it might seem like the other person was being irrational, it wasn't unreasonable behavior. I also noted that I felt what made it seem so horrible was that neither of us were able to offer much support at all to the other.

Then we talked about stuff from when I was a teen. I opened up and shared about the "anonymous" flowers Mom had sent to me at school when I was 15, fresh in my mind after finding the card that had been in that bouquet, and about other ways in which she tried to direct my "romantic" life. Looking back on it I find it so unsettling whereas at the time it was so easy to get caught up in things when my Mom was excited about something and enthusiastic. She was so depressed and angry so much of the time that her being happy about anything at all was a welcome break.

GM pointed me back to knowing that everything during my childhood of course seemed reasonable and normal, I didn't know any other environment. She said she didn't know what to offer me in the feeling that every time I look back at my childhood and adolescence I'm more and more disturbed. She noted that all she could really do was look at with me and confirm for me those uneasy emotions, that it wasn't alright and it makes sense that it took me until my 30s to figure out anything about my sexuality.

I left feeling crackling energy across chest and back. Anger, irritation, disgust, and hurt all tight and present in my muscles. CK had messaged me during the appointment asking if I wanted to ride to yoga. I'd sent back that I did because I thought it might be good to burn off some of that energy. I may try to schedule therapy appointments on Wednesdays more often so I can go to a yoga class and do something with the hard, painful emotions that come up when I do a session.

Tomorrow's my birthday and I'll be 39. That age seems so arbitrary, I don't feel hours away from 39. I feel like myself. My legs ache from the ride home and my shoulders still feel tight. I'm full of CK's homemade soup and bread from New Seasons, some chocolate, and I might have a little more wine. But there's this surreal quality that I'm 39 tomorrow. When I was 9 I know 39 sounded quite old. Now that I'm here it seems pretty immaterial to the present moment.

CK got me three things, I opened one tonight. a lovely necklace from Ecuador made of colored pieces of seeds. Really lovely and unusual, hand crafted. There was a beautiful card with it that made my heart feel full. I realized at some point today how grateful I am to wake up with her tomorrow, on my birthday. How grateful I am that AM is able to change and grow our relationship to include my relationship with CK. Last year at this time I didn't expect I'd be where I'm at this year, but I'm awed and humbled that I am.